Thursday, March 12, 2015

Spiraling and the art of learning to stop worrying

This is more of that whole "be real" thing I talked about. I'm trying to be more honest and out there ... 

Most days, this is what my mind feels like:
Walker Art Center - Siah Armajani’s Prayer  - 1962
So many thoughts floating around. So many things to distract. Did I do this? Did I do that? Did I mess up on that conference call? Did my boss hate the changes I made to the deck? Did I overstep in that meeting? Did I pick the wrong movie on our date? Did I say something stupid? Did that girl at the lake laugh at me while I was running? Were my colleagues bad-mouthing me when they went to lunch without me? 

I realize this all sounds really self-centered and I am well aware the world does not revolve around me, but sometimes it just heard to snap out of it and trust.

Those are just a few of the thoughts that are going through my head at the same time at any given moment. I just cannot seem to get my brain to stop. 

And unfortunately, I am the queen of the spiral. Of making mountains out of molehills. Of overanalyzing (and then re-analyzing). Of worrying. That's what I do. It manifests itself in all elements of my life - from work to personal to everything in between.

I just cannot let things go. No matter how many times I hear Elsa singin' it ... I just can't seem to do it. (JK ... I don't listen to "Let it go" on repeat ... really)

Whether it is what I said on a conference call or if I locked the front door or if that car on the road was honking at me or that person's bummer who I tapped 7 years ago (true story) or that top that my mom bought me in spain 10 years ago ... I hold onto things and worry them on and on and on. It's like a scab you cannot help by pick pick pick until it bleeds.

Maybe I need more to keep me busy. 

Maybe not.

Maybe I'll try yoga (in the privacy of my own home, cause clearly in a class I would be worried about others judging my lack of skills).

Maybe I'll give that meditation app on my phone a try.

Maybe I should stop over-thinking all the things I could do and just try to go to bed.

"Try" being the operative word.  

Monday, March 9, 2015

30 Before 30 | Four months to go ...

Yesterday was the official 2/3 of the way through mark for "30 before 30" list. Yikes! Only 4 months until I turn 30. What the what!?!?

Wanted to take a second to check-in and see how things are tracking on my list. NOTE: I did have to replace two items from the original list because they were dating related (do a paid online dating service again and go speed dating). I started dating someone ... so these two could get a little awkward if I made myself follow through ... 

With 6 months down and 4 to go ...

  • 12 are completed (yay!)
  • 3 are in progress
So, that's 15 accounted for. That leaves 15 to go. Yikes! I better get to it. 

  1. Visit a new country on my own COMPLETED - Budapest, Hungary - November 2014
  2. Reach my weight goal (and maintain for more than a few weeks, which is where my trouble is) IN PROGRESS
  3. Attend Red Bull Crashed Ice in St Paul COMPLETED 
  4. Visit the Mill City Museum (wait until spring/summer nice weather)
  5. Look into doing volunteer work at the MIA or Walker COMPLETED - Started volunteering at the Walker - December 2014
  6. Visit the Swedish Institute
  7. Brush up on my Spanish language proficiency
  8. Do a bike ride for a whole day around the chain of lakes paths (wait until spring/summer nice weather)
  9. Take my camera out for a day and photograph Minneapolis, and another day in St Paul (wait until spring/summer nice weather)
  10. Go through all my old toys and books and such at my parents house and take photos and document things COMPLETED 
  11. Do a brewery tour
  12. Get a tattoo COMPLETED (X2)
  13. Go to a Twins game COMPLETED 
  14. Go to a Wild game COMPLETED 
  15. Do the Twin Cities 10K COMPLETED 
  16. Eat a Jucy Lucy at 58 and compare it to Matt's 
  17. Go to the St Paul Winter Carnival COMPLETED 
  18. Go to a couple of music shows IN PROGRESS
  19. Make a Romanian dish on my own 
  20. Eat at Rabbit Hole COMPLETED 
  21. Host a party at my place
  22. Try to get my photography shown somewhere
  23. Go to uptown Loppet COMPLETED 
  24. Go to Art-A-Whirl (May 15-17)
  25. Go to a Walker After Hours party (April 10)
  26. *Personal* COMPLETED 
  27. Find an occasion to wear the awesome dress I bought for a wedding last year 
  28. Really clean out my closet of things that I really just shouldn't hold onto anymore
  29. Take an awesome trip and be out of the country having a grand adventure ON my 30th birthday IN PROGRESS
  30. Chef's choice ... let's see what other awesome opportunities come my way ... 

Getting off the roller-coaster ...

Well, I said I wanted to be more authentic, honest and real in my blogging ... so here goes. 

I have always been a bit preoccupied with my weight. Always wanting to lose weight. Always thinking I'll be so much happier when I just get there. There have been very few times since middle school when I have actually been happy with my weight, and those moments only last a few months at most before I start gaining again. It's a vicious cycle. But when I am there, it is an AMAZING feeling and I am happy, confident, glowing. It's quite the high. But, inevitability, I falter and gain the weight back. And then i'm sad.

That's the way it's been for me since high school. Lose the weight. Get happy. Start eating a little more ... skipping some workouts. And then the weight comes back and I get sad and eat a little more ... and skip a few more workouts. And before I know it I'm back to where I started (or worse).

Most recently, in January 2013 I lost 38 pounds in three months. I worked HARD and felt AMAZING. It was one of the best feelings of my life. Then I gained about 15 back, but managed to lose it again in January 2014. Then gained it ALL back.

So here I am again. Back to where I started 2 years ago. Back to where I said I would never be again. Back to the sad place. I've made every excuse in the book (some of them very valid). But in the end, it's just me. It's just a lack of willpower and an apparent inability to see something through. That's a failing indeed.

And with this comes a huge sense of disappointment in myself. I know better. I know how. So why do I do this?

But analyzing it and feeling disappointing and sad and focusing on the past doesn't change where I am today. So it's time to focus on what  I  can change and what I can do. And that's focus on today and focus on the future. So today is Day 1 ... again. Maybe if I put this all "out there" like I am right now, I will feel more accountable for it. Here's hoping ...

Things in my life are good. I cannot complain. I need to get my $hit together as relates to this because I really have no excuses right now. If not now ... never.

February 2014. Skinner days. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

And so it goes ...

It's been almost 4 months since I last blogged.

Back in the fall I was having a conversation with someone and they said that perhaps my blog was too much about me. Too self centered. Not gonna lie, that kinda hurt. But, wait a sec, isn't that what a blog is? My opinions? My issues? My POV? I don't want it to be all about me-me-me, but this is my little corner of the web, so why can't it be? It's how I see the world and my record of my time here.

Anyway, a lot has happened in 4 months. I consider it is a lot, but perhaps in the grand scheme of the lives of those around me and other late-20-somethings/early-30-somethings, it really isn't that much. That is something I have been struggling with lately actually - comparison. More on that later.

But back to me, because it is all about me after all (just kidding ... sort of). There has been a fair amount going on since early/mid November.

I shifted roles at work after some stressful months of changes.

I went to Budapest on my own for a few days before going home to Romania to visit my family (and make some rather hard realizations about myself and my relationships).

I spent a few days over Christmas in Jamaica with my family.

I started seeing someone new.

I saw tons of movies.

I finished one semester and started another one.

I pushed my graduation date out one year so I could afford to do more travel.

I lost myself a little bit.

Maybe that's not that much. Maybe my life is actually standing still. I don't really know anymore.

What I do know that is that I like this outlet. I like writing. And I don't really care or mind if no one ever reads this. Because at least I am doing it. And that's enough for me.

As I try this again, I do want to make an effort to be deeper and more sincere. Most of what I have written in the past is pretty "on the surface" - my opinion on pop culture, restaurants, events, whatever. But I have never been as open about myself. My personal struggles. My fears. My challenges. As much as I want to be open, there is such a thing as being TOO open ... especially on the web. But that's honesty. That's truthfulness. And maybe if I can be more honest on here, I can be more honest with myself. Here's hoping ...

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