Monday, March 9, 2015

Getting off the roller-coaster ...

Well, I said I wanted to be more authentic, honest and real in my blogging ... so here goes. 

I have always been a bit preoccupied with my weight. Always wanting to lose weight. Always thinking I'll be so much happier when I just get there. There have been very few times since middle school when I have actually been happy with my weight, and those moments only last a few months at most before I start gaining again. It's a vicious cycle. But when I am there, it is an AMAZING feeling and I am happy, confident, glowing. It's quite the high. But, inevitability, I falter and gain the weight back. And then i'm sad.

That's the way it's been for me since high school. Lose the weight. Get happy. Start eating a little more ... skipping some workouts. And then the weight comes back and I get sad and eat a little more ... and skip a few more workouts. And before I know it I'm back to where I started (or worse).

Most recently, in January 2013 I lost 38 pounds in three months. I worked HARD and felt AMAZING. It was one of the best feelings of my life. Then I gained about 15 back, but managed to lose it again in January 2014. Then gained it ALL back.

So here I am again. Back to where I started 2 years ago. Back to where I said I would never be again. Back to the sad place. I've made every excuse in the book (some of them very valid). But in the end, it's just me. It's just a lack of willpower and an apparent inability to see something through. That's a failing indeed.

And with this comes a huge sense of disappointment in myself. I know better. I know how. So why do I do this?

But analyzing it and feeling disappointing and sad and focusing on the past doesn't change where I am today. So it's time to focus on what  I  can change and what I can do. And that's focus on today and focus on the future. So today is Day 1 ... again. Maybe if I put this all "out there" like I am right now, I will feel more accountable for it. Here's hoping ...

Things in my life are good. I cannot complain. I need to get my $hit together as relates to this because I really have no excuses right now. If not now ... never.

February 2014. Skinner days. 

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